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I have a pain around my eyes because I want to cry.
It is a familiar feeling.

I wish I had a best friend here. Or at the least a television to lose myself in.
I never feel like this when I am at home. I get restless, dissatisfied, angry, even hate myself if I'm being lazy and gaining weight, but this feeling of never being able to settle down, of constantly wanting something, or never being at ease, that I never have at home. I eat dinner, I watch tv with my mom, I take the dog for a walk. I am not searching for something. Here I feel I am constantly being tossed around. From person to person, group to group. Doing what other people want, not knowing what I want.

SOOO, affected by everyone else. "I have to do this, I have to do this" they say. They don't realize how much that affects me. I mean because then I start feeling I have to do things, no, I always feel I have to do things, but when they do say it, the whole thing gets reinforced, and I wonder, what things Should I be doing? The things that they're doing, or the things that I was going to do?
Better to be independent or go along with the flow? And what if the flow is people who are even spacier, more out of it than I am? Tonight was just such a waste of time. Which would not have been a problem except that I am stressed. Underneath it all I am stressed. Why? Because I don't feel in control of my situation. This summer, taking hebrew classes, I knew how much I needed to study, and how much time that would take. So taking time with other people did not make me crazy (too much) because I always knew the small amount of time that I needed. I never doubted my ability to be able to do what I needed to do.

Here, when say I am with this guy, who is taking soo long to do our arabic homework, homework that I already started but he wants to do from the beginning, I go crazy. I want to just get up and leave. But he needs me to do it with him. Aand yet he doesn't realize that I'm humoring him and that he actualy is using me. He just thinks that we are doing our homework together.
We spend two hours doing stuff that I have already done, and then he says he wants to stop, just as we get to the part I haven't done yet.This is so juvenile and stupid. But I had committed to doing it with him, and so I did it. I could have gotten out of it, but really I am too scattered to assert myself. uggh, I'm not explaining this. And it sounds so pathetic I cannot believe I'm writing this.

No, I'm going to explain it. Why do I sit with him while internally freaking out? Why do I walk to the store with this guy when I should have just gone back to my room and started reading? I didn't really want to do either of those things, but I do not trust myself to know what is good for myself. I latch on to people who are more assertive in what they want, because I cannot decide what I want. My emotions and desires are so confused all the time. Do I want to go play soccer? No, but I think it will be good for me. So, should I do it. Or maybe not. Do I want to sit doing arabic with this guy? Yes, I want to do arabic, but not the way he's doing it. I am constantly getting stuck in situations I don't want to be in.

So, maybe I should trust my instincts, my feelings. But my feelings are so often wrong. This is what I'm getting at, or more, that they are misleading. They mislead me. I didn't want to go to soccer tonight. Don't know why. I guess I didn't play so well last week, I had been feeling jumpy all day, and I was tired. Plus I needed to go to the grocery store. When this boy, who NEEDS ME to do his homework because he doesn't have a book, came to my room asking to do the work, and then wasted an hour before starting, and then got going just before soccer started, I decided not to go. I had been looking for an excuse not to go and so I found it. But then I found myself sitting with this boy getting so agitated at him and then wasting even more time walking to a store with his roommate. I should have gone to soccer. I hadn't wanted to go to soccer, but I would have been happier now if I had gone.

No, I didn't have to go to soccer. Maybe it would have turned out well, but not going was not necessarily the wrong choice. The wrong choice was feeling so indebted to this boy. He does things too slowly for me. I can do it on my own. I don't have to prop him up, because I have enough trouble propping myself up.
I need to start putting myself first.
I am really frustrated with this post. I haven't explained anything.

How to make myself feel good, when my head is a mess? Following some people's lead is good for me, I end up doing things that I wouldn't have gotten myself to do on my own. But following other people's leads is not good. I feel I don't really want to be doing it.... oh fuck. I don't know.
If I didn't have this constant feeling of uncertainty around me, I woudn't be so sensitive.

There are some people in this program who really seem to know what they're doing. Are secure, calm, sure of themselves, and others seem to be a mess. Of course I spend all my time with the people who are a mess. But as I write this it occurs to me that maybe the people who are a mess are the more intelligent ones.

Whatever.