Great.....

Do you ever lie down so tired but cannot stop your heart from beating and the more you think about it the faster and the harder the beating becomes? I've tried taking long breaths, counting on the inhales and exhales but nothing seems to work, except forgetting about it and then ten minutes later realizing your heart has slowed.

Ok, On a COMPLETELY different note.
Just got a text from Do Not Call. Actually, it was two texts, but before you get excited as I did when I saw them in my inbox,
I will say (as my roommate put it), I was just dumped with a text message. (Well, two. I'll give him that, he wrote a lot so he put it in two messages.)

I read it and started to text him back as my two roommates talked in hebrew around me, writing things like, "Oh, I see. Ok, cool. Well, call me when you're in the dorms and and I'll give you your blanket back. "(I have a blanket of his, long story.)

But once I got into the blanket stuff I realized it was starting to sound strange so I decided not to send it and instead to tell my roommates. I made it a big joke.
"Haha, I just got a text from Shai" I say. (Now you see his name.)
"What did he say?" they ask after figuring out which of the guys I have mentioned he is.

"I know we haven't talked in a while" (Or was it I'm sorry we haven't talked in a while, I can't remember) (this is me reading a loud) "it is because I talked to my ex girlfriend and we decided to give it another try and I didn't have the time to tell you."

Wah, wah, wah.
And you were going to text him back!? Yval (girl's name) cries incredulously. You don't need to send anything back!

And I say, of course I was going to say.... ok, thanks for telling me... you know.
She looks at me horrified. "You just got broken up with on a text message! You don't owe him anything. What, are you going to say Ok as if you're his mother and you're giving him permission to go back with his ex girlfriend?"

"But what about his blanket?" I ask. I can't just keep it. I feel bad with it in my room.

Stop feeling guilty! You don't owe him anything. If he wants his blanket he will call you.
Why do you feel so guilty? You shouldn't say anything back. You should delete his number right now.

I say, oh come on, just one OK.
No, she says. You're too nice. You need someone to teach you how to act.

(I don't argue with her here because I agree. I know that I do all the wrong things in these situations. Always falling too hard and then being too nice later and hiding how much I am actually hurting.)
So I decide to put myself in her hands.
"Give me your phone" she says. I hand it over. She deletes his number and then deletes all my messages (because his were about a third of my inbox), and then all the sent messages (a higher percentage here) and even goes through my missed calls and deletes the entries that she thinks are him.

Phewf, ok. And then I go for a walk with an American friend here, and as I relate the whole thing to her I begin to wish that I had just texted "ok" before the rampage of deletions began. What must he think of me? I wonder. I was just talking to him a couple days ago, and now I'm not even going to answer a text? What about the being nice, being friends etc?

But right now, back in my room, I'm glad that I let my roommate do it. He might be wondering why I didn't text back, but no one cares about the other person (or obsesses I should say) as much as I do, so even if it has crossed his mind, it has probably not left a big impression. I mean, it wasn't a big deal he and I. I say this from the detached perspective, not my own. And he's back with his girl friend. He's probably just glad that he finally texted me, thereby cutting himself free from me and relieving himself of his obligations. Really Carolyn, he doesn't want anything back from you. He just wants to be done. He doesn't even want to deal with getting his blanket back from you.

OHHHH k.
Weird though. This ex- girlfriend business. I can honestly say this is the first time this has happened to me, I mean someone going back to their ex girl friend after going out with me, and it does feel weird. I have a friend who this happened to a couple months ago - she was with a guy here but she told him she wanted to take a break (it's complicated, but it was sort of self preservation on her part) and in the break he got back with his ex girl friend. Wow, it really sucks being the other girl. Like, "wow, you can forget me like that?" Because getting back with an ex, it's like erasing the person in between entirely. As if you never happened.
And for me, well, our fling was so little that he could have erased it even without getting back with his ex, so I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it. Actually, the fact that he ended it for a real reason and not just because he lost interest and just stopped calling kind of legitimizes the thing in a way, while at the same time de-legitimizing it...
Well, I'm losing my train of thought.

But I will say it did, I don't know if the word is hurt, but it did shake me a little. What did I do that made him want to go back with his ex? Seriously!
No, not seriously Carolyn. It was probably completely unrelated to you.

Ok, cool. It's done. (But I have to put this in cause I'm so pathetic.... It probably would never have been a relationship but he was really really cute!)

Alright, back to Matt Doyle etc. on youtube. I need to get some more tv shows on my computer to distract myself with.

Probably will write more about this later though this post should be the end of the subject. Ok, cool. Good Bye for now,
Carolyn