Try Number 2

So I already started a blog but then deleted it. I also wrote something on Planworld and considered doing that instead of a blog but I like the idea of having my own thing even if no one ever reads it.

But now I have a URL I like and so maybe I'll stick with this one.

I think I will give this address to all my friends but I will probably write things on it that I wouldn't say to them otherwise. I try to control all my insecure musings in my emails so as not to sound too crazy or narcissistic or just annoying but really, inside, I am crazy.

I am also really good at not doing things. Well, a lot of people are. But really, I fall so easily into complete slothfulness, and it is only being around people who I want to make a good impression on that keeps me from wearing my pjs all day or letting the dishes pile up. Right now I am in my pjs and am wearing my glasses which make my eyes look like insect eyes and am hoping my roommate won't be back soon.

Last night I went to bed on edge because I hadn't heard from a boy that I like in a while. Well, a while means a couple days. I had texted him and he hadn't texted me back, and I was feeling stupid. "GOD, Carolyn, why do you always have to be soo uncool? Always giving yourself away as liking the other person too much." Was just feeling really.... insecure I guess. Always feel as if when I like someone I'm building a house of cards and if I so much as flinch it will all fall. Figuring out how to act "cool enough" so they won't go running away as fast as they can is torturous. How much I would like someone who I wouldn't mind being weird with. Who would make me feel ok for being the way I am and not as if I have something to hide.

I'm giving you the wrong idea. I'm not that weird. I look normal on the outside, but I have my inconsistencies. Like my sometimes complete in ability to sit still, especially when I am close to someone else. Complete in ability to sleep with someone else in the same bed as I am, unless if maybe said person is sister. Hmmmm.... My need to go running or do other strange things to get myself to focus, or to take my mind off the fact that I am not focusing.

My desire to cry a lot of the time.

But anyway, then in the middle of the night I was woken by a noise which turned out to be my phone ringing. Was so confused, lurched toward desk to the phone, feeling as if I had forgotten to do something. My eyes were so dry I couldn't read who was calling, and then I saw "Do Not Call" on the screen. Ah yes, the name I had given the boy I like to remind myself not to, well, call him. For a second I stared in doubt, don't know if I had any clear cognitions at that point... for some reason I didn't want to answer. Well, it WAS 2:59 am. And then I pressed something and said hello but just as I said it the name went gray meaning the call had ended. Weird, I thought, he hung up just as I decided to answer.

I fell back in bed and couldn't sleep for another hour, this time because I was anticipating the next time I would see him. (Oy, I'm pathetic). He called me, and though it was a little thing, and though I wasn't even thinking. "wow I'm glad he called", it changed the feeling in my chest. Suddenly I was comfortable again.

I saw this morning that in fact I had hung up on him, must have pressed the ignore button instead of answer. And I haven't called him back yet. Don't know if I will. I wonder if this is making him insecure.