Procrastination Again

I think living with my roommate who both intimidates me and bosses me around as if I were three years younger than she rather than just two months will actually be good for me in the long run.

All summer she would call me into the kitchen to point out specific crumbs or even a ring of water from a glass I had forgotten to wipe off the counter top (the ants will come Carolyn!), or to complain that I had left the kitchen smelling of onions (I didn't know there was a way not to leave the smell after cooking with them, but apparently there is) and I was starting to feel..... scared, intimidated, and eventually pissed off because though I did occasionally leave crumbs on the counters I always washed my dishes, kept my stuff neat in the cupboard, and never left anything lying around the kitchen, which gosh so many people do. By most standards I was being very clean, and still it wasn't good enough.
But anyway, now I am actually grateful that she was so tough on me for certain things, it was like being in a training program. Domestic bootcamp.

But, besides the training in cleaning (and cooking) she has a take no shit attitude with boys that will be good for me to be around. And she tells me when she thinks I'm acting stupidly and in exactly those terms. I've realized that in contrast I am never so direct when giving advice, even when I think friends are making mistakes, because if I see they want to do something or want to believe something I am afraid to hurt them by telling them otherwise.
Girl asks, "Is this guy ignoring me? Should I call him?"
I say,"Well, he might be ignoring you but he might not. It kind of seems like he's ignoring you, but you never know he might just be busy." I should just say, "yes, I think he's ignoring you. Even if he is busy you shouldn't be strung out on a guy who isn't making time for you."


With Do Not Call, she got me to delete him from my phone way ahead of schedule, which I think might have shortened my period of obsessing. But when she told me to do it, right after I told her about his text, I thought she was crazy. Really? Why do I need to do that already? Couldn't we still be friends?
But she was right. How could we have been friends? What kind of friends would have been? To leave him on the phone would have just allowed me to live in denial for a while until I finally, and painfully, decided to suck it up and give him up. It felt as if she was telling me to cut this guy out of my life who I liked (that part was obvious) but also who liked me, at least enough to still be friends. I mean a week before we had been flirting. But if I had kept him in my phone, and kept thinking of him as a friend, in the back of my mind I would have kept hoping for something more; And would have kept hoping until I compromised myself in some way. Then finally I would have broken the whole thing off but it would have taken more heartache. This is probably very clear to everyone else, but I think I needed to spell things out for myself.
For instance, tonight I got a text from Pavel, Do Not Call's best friend who I hung out with as much as Do Not Call, asking if I wanted to go out to a bar with the two of them. Pavel must have gotten my number from Do Not Call at some point. Forgetting the strangeness of his friend not seeming to have any idea what was going on, my first thought was yes, going out with them would be a lot of fun. If I just went out with a group of my friends and then met them there, it wouldn't be weird right? Because I did always have fun with them. And, truth is I wanted to see Do Not Call. But no, no, no.

She wasn't telling me to give up a guy who I didn't have to give up on, she was telling me to give up on a guy who had already given up on me. She was forcing me to face the truth without a period of denial which I usually insert between relationship (if you can call these things that) and moving on.
I don't like to admit it, the denial part makes the end more painful. I say this partly with people in mind who I have seen do it even worse than I and who don't realize they are actually torturing themselves. Self Denial is an instrument of self torture. It makes us happier in the short run, but in the long run it weakens us, and makes the process of fixing ourselves later really difficult. I don't think this makes sense. God, this is enough crap rambling.

ANYWAY

Something else that happened to me tonight: I was inspired to read the Queen Mab speech from Shakespeare after hearing a clip of it in, (I'm pathetic), a song from a musical sung by Matt Doyle. I googled it just on a whim, just skimming at first, but then I started really reading, and the speech became interesting -- not just something to be deciphered, but something, meaningful... touching sort of, not the right word. And then I was inspired to read more of Romeo and Juliet and then even some of Macbeth. And I didn't even read the parts I thought I was going to, I read parts that hadn't interested me before.
Apparently I can read Shakespeare if I'm procrastinating something else. And then I got tired so I stopped.

Also today I read some things about Edward Said and Orientalism. Anything I get my mind to do that is not watching complete trash on youtube or flipping mindlessly through well, facebook, is really good. Last night I drew out maps of the middle east by hand after studying them on the internet, trying to teach myself the geography because I am studying this region and well, the map that I had in my head was not exactly correct. For instance, I thought that Iran was north of... no, I won't even say it, it's too damning.

I was supposed to read 60 pages about the Formation of Islam tonight. Instead my mind has been in other places. I did read almost 20 pages though....
Oh my god, it's 2:30 in the morning. Shit.