Orientation Day

Just made it through most of my day of orientation.
Ugghh, what have I gotten myself into? Sorry, that is my first reaction. I don't want people telling me what to do again, unless they're telling me to... I don't know, dig a ditch or something. That sounds crazy I know.

I shouldn't be complaining, as far as orientations go this one wasn't bad at all. But still I couldn't get over the feeling, at least in the first half of the day, of being trapped, as if I had signed away my ability to be independent. When I did stuff with the Overseas Student Program (the study abroad office at Ben Gurion University) this summer I always felt I could do whatever I wanted because I wasn't really in their program. I was only a sort of visitor for a couple weeks. But now, this is my program, these are my people, and it should feel really good, but instead I start feeling stuck.

I calmed down a bit this afternoon. I went into my room and did jumping jacks during our lunch break (not kidding) and it got out some of my internal freak out. But it is starting to come back.
Maybe I'll go run around the block before our reception in forty five minutes. Ahh, no, not enough time.

That said, I don't think I was the only one starting to freak out a bit. I was sitting next to a guy this morning, who just spent two years working for the border control on the US Mexican border. He would do 10 hour shifts in the desert sometimes from midnight to 10 in the morning. I could just tell he was starting to question his desire to be in a classroom this year after our third speaker or so. I have no excuse, I was just in college, I should be used to this. I've only had a couple months to change my habits, and become... well, used to my own routine, but part of my problem might be that it has only been a couple months.

Well, it is just orientation. I'll have to let myself do this program and these classes my way and not the way I feel I should or the way everyone else is doing them. And I have to keep thinking of myself first rather than my commitment to this group and this program, because when I start thinking only of my group obligations I feel miserable.

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Continuing because I still have some time before I'm supposed to change and go meet professors. Ran into Do Not Call today. He's back in Beer Sheva. Obviously he didn't call me first, but that is understandable, he is in the middle of moving in. AND Carolyn, he is just your friend. I mean seriously, what did we ever talk about anyway? The deepest we got was what music we liked. And I didn't have very much to say even then.
Damn, he still made me feel like a bit of an ass today though. So I saw him talking on his cell phone while on his bike in the front of the dorms. He was in profile and so didn't see me as I was walking towards him. I was debating whether to say hi while he was on the phone when he turned and saw me and I waved, and then immediately curved off and headed away from him. WEird no? Am not sure why I did that. I think I was trying to be cool. Start talking to American boy who happened to be sitting in the area, can see Do Not Call out of the corner of my eye. He gets off the phone and wheels himself over to me and says hi. It's a little awkward, I'm eating an apple, and he gives me his hand as if to shake hands, but I have an apple in that hand, and plus Israelis never do that. They always kiss hello.
He tells me he's moving his stuff from his friend's place to his.
"Oh so you found a place to live" I say, "good!" because two weeks ago he hadn't.
"No, I'm living in the dorms" he says, embarrassed. I guess it's not cool to be living on your own and then have to move back in to the dorms.
I laugh.
He's not living in my dorms though... better, I guess.
A bit of a pause, and then he starts to tell me how much of a rush he's in .
"But I have to go. I have very little time right now. I have so much to do."
Ok, dude go, I'm not keeping you. And why do you always get to decide?
I had a place to go too, was already late actually, but was stuck waiting for this other girl so he gets to be the one who leaves first.
Anyway, he left and that was it. Oh, he said, "I will call you" as wheeled away, "I will be calling you" in Israeli speak.

That's it. No big deal. Still agitated me a bit. I realized as I was walking behind our nun like tour guide in the library right after that that my heart was pumping a little harder than the tour warranted.
But really, he's too young. And it's damn stupid. And I deserve better. I might be a little psycho, but I still care about things, and am pretty good at some things, and have some interesting things to say, and can run faster than a lot of people who aren't runners. I shouldn't be slobbering over some stupid 19 (?) year old.
BAH
Ok, am late now.